Volume 9

Poo Log #1: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!

July 25, 2020

"Hi my name is Paul S, ah ahh, cousin of the CFO, umm so I was at the cabin with my buddies the other day and ... just walked to the beaver, just got to the beach and really had to go so ... I tell everybody (and we had, we were drinking last night so you know what that happens eh). And so I go to the outhouse, the outhouse is full of flies, there was a hundred fifty flies. So I'm sitting there trying to get flies out of the thing, I've got the door open, I'm banging the side of the outhouse and everything and ahh, and ahh, and finally get down to like forty flies. I go to sit down and I realise there's no toilet paper [chuckles], so then I go to the beach and there's a path and I go to the back and ah I go down the path and I've never done this before but I went and I did the little squat there right beside a bush and used the leaves to wipe my ass eh, I've never done that before, so that's my poop story."

Listen to the audio file here!

Poo Log #2: Railyard Shit

milksandwich | Manitoba, Canada | June 25, 2019

While working for the railroad as a conductor I was walking a track checking car numbers. Halfway down the track I had to shit. Really had to shit. Like emergency had to shit.

The rail office was too far of a walk. I turned around and briskly walked to the yard engine.

There is an unwritten rule in railroading. Don't shit in locomotives. You wouldn't want to either. Railroaders are notorious for being pigs when it comes to collective hygiene. Sadly that day I broke that fraternal rule.

After unleashing a torrent of brown goo into the disgusting rusted catch basin chemical toilet, I realised there was no tp to wipe my ass.

I could hear the trainmaster barking on the radio, "How're we making out?!" I didn't give a shit about anything work related at this point. I just let the radio remain silent. (He was an asshole anyways).

I managed to scavenge a tiny alcohol hand wipe smaller than my palm found on the dirty floor. It was the only option to wipe yet it seemed like a sensible solution. 'Hey this could start a trend!' I thought. I was wrong.

The isopropyl wipe burned my asshole pretty bad. In agony and zero f***s given I discarded the remains of the wipe and foil wrapper into the toilet.

In stinging pain I pulled my pants up and continued my duties as a yard conductor.

When my foreman asked what took so long, I told him I shit in the loco. He broke eye contact and slowly shook his head in disappointment. No other words were exchanged.

Poo Log #3: The Perfect Shitstorm

Asia | Manitoba, Canada | September 2018

This is a tale of the most romantic moment I've ever experienced.

It was sometime in 2018. I was dating a very wonderful man. He was always stuffing my mouth with food, and my butt with his penis.

One day, he had stuffed me with food that was no bueno. I had gotten food poisoning!

My tummy was very upset, and I had plenty of slippy shits to deal with. Unfortunately, my butthole was very week from all the anal pounding. I could no longer clench my hole to stop the poop!

Every 5 minutes I woke up to myself pooping the bed. This was a lot more frequent than usual. Something had to be done.

I was finally able to sleep comfortably, I knowing my poop was being collected in my big girl diaper.

He had also gotten food poisoning at the time and wore a diaper with me. I thought that was weird because his butthole wasn't even gaping. I guess he just wanted the attention. I get that.

Poo Log #4: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!

July 18, 2021

"Yo. So I just went to KFG, and I thought I could hold a whole bucket inside of my lower colon ... but I just couldn't [exasperated gasp] and I'm on my way to the ER. My butt hole is torn fully open and I can't tell what's chicken what's blood. I don't know what's going on."

Listen to the audio file here!

Poo Log #5: Farts-to trust or not to trust in the age of Covid

Poost traumatic stress | British Columbia, Canada | August 2022

As a long time pooper of epic proportions I have developed a healthy fear of farting as one can never know until the deed is done if they should have trusted their rear end. It’s been a few years now since my last unfortunate accident and the trust had returned….. and that’s when we find ourselves at our weakest, complacently trusting our bodies, letting our guards down.

So last Wednesday I woke up not feeling 100% and decided to take a Covid test to make sure I was using due diligence before heading to work. To my dismay it was positive and shortly after the fever began and I went to sleep. 14 hrs later I awoke in a daze. Drank a smoothie to get some food down and sat wrapped in blankets on the porch and started watching cheesy action flicks, you know the "I’m home sick" routine. Suddenly I needed to fart. The trust had grown so strong I pushed with full force intending to make a big noise, well, there’s more Covid symptoms that hadn’t come yet, namely diarrhea, and boy did it come now. As I’m wrapped tightly in blankets and pushing with all my heart I sprayed my shorts with liquid poo. Then began my crab walk of shame to the bathroom followed by some laundry. This Covid is taking no prisoners everyone, take care and be safe and remember, trust no one, especially yourself.