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Poo Log #1: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!
Poo Log #1: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!
March 7, 2020
"One time ... I shit ... and it was the size of my arm ... and my arm is almost, I'd say three-quarters of a meter, and then it, it like spun around and snapped in half, and it was hilarious."
Listen to the audio file here!
* Editor's note: This submission is peculiarly similar to Poo Log #4 in Volume 1 of The Poo Journal entitled, "The Poo-Copter" which you can read here and watch here.
Poo Log #2: The Legendary 2020 Worldwide TP Shortage
Poo Log #2: The Legendary 2020 Worldwide TP Shortage
The Thrifty Pooper | Canada | March 2020
For those people and robots reading this story well into the future and not familiar with 'The Legendary 2020 Worldwide TP Shortage', let me explain: Sometime in mid-February 2020 AD ('After Dumper'), a dreaded virus called COVID-19 (Corn Or Vegetables In Dung - 19) started to infect much of the humans on Earth and caused what scientists call, "a pandemic". When push comes to shove (poop), humans in crisis mode hoard like they've never hoarded-beforded. And the magnitude of this hoard caused many unfortunate souls, including myself, to go days ... months ... and what felt like years, without toilet paper. This, was 'The Legendary 2020 Worldwide TP Shortage'.
I'd like to clarify that I'm not actually certain that the TP shortage was worldwide but it makes the story sound way cooler. So I had my bro over and he really needed to take a dump during this horrible time. I was down to my last couple of squares. I would never give him those squares, in fact I still have them today (I often use them as pocket squares at fancy events such as weddings). I told him to do the ol' 'shit-and-shower'. He was understanding of my circumstances and happily obliged. In retrospect I could have just waken up early to raid the supermarkets myself when they were good and stocked. But alas ... I like to sleep in.
* Editor's note: Do you find yourself lacking motivation because of the COVID-19 isolation? Are you having difficulties getting out of bed even with several alarm clocks set? Here’s a tip: eat a lot of food right before you go to bed and you will be naturally awakened by the urge to take a dump. To wake up at a specific time you will need to experiment with the quantity and type of food you eat.
In another COVID related matter, the secretary of The Poo Journal has expanded on the Canadian prime minister’s recommendations to wear a mask to prevent ‘speaking moistly’ on others. The recommendation is that citizens should wear underwear to prevent 'pooping moistly' on others.
Poo Log #3: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!
Poo Log #3: A HOTLINE SUBMISSION!
April 18, 2020
"Oh ahhhhh aiggg aaaaa here here's a a story umm the other, the other day, ah, I woke up and I was hungover, am because I'm what's called a binge alcoholic, ahhh, and so I woke up and I was going to the bathroom, um, and, ah, I went to ta to take a shit and it was, it was a piss. It was a piss. Ah, that's it just, you know, I thought it would be shit but it was just a piss, ah, out my butt, just straight out my butt. Umm, yeah there was splash back, ahh, it was oily, you know? Umm, it clung, you know, and it was, it was a full, like straight up like a full roll, and in this economy, that's not good. Umm, yeah, ahh, no punch line, no nothing, just, just a sad time. Ahh, thanks. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Thank-you. Bye."
Poo Log #4: Sleeping Poop Man and the Tale of the Doorway Deuce
Poo Log #4: Sleeping Poop Man and the Tale of the Doorway Deuce
One dark and stormy night my girlfriend visited me at work. We got really drunk and came home. Upon arriving home, we had a bunch of sex and passed out. In the morning I woke up late for work and called in sick. I got up and walked over to the washroom. While pissing, I noticed a curious itch in my butt. I gave myself a complimentary wipe and noticed a LOT of shit on the toilet paper. Confused from that, I departed back to the bedroom. On my way there I stepped in a pile of shit in the hall right in front of the door to my room. Then I realised I shit on the floor. I must have been in some state of automatism during my slumber in which I shit on the floor right in front of the open door to my room. Then while talking to my girlfriend I cleaned up the stinky mess and she didn’t even notice. And then I had a shower. The end.
Poo Log #5: Like a Cat
Poo Log #5: Like a Cat
Oral-B | Canada
It was back around 1994, my family and I lived in beautiful Surrey B.C. It was a great time to be 7.
No Fear shirts, Umbro shorts, and mushroom cuts that made a bowl blush.
My bro and I just did the 10 minute walk to the local park to score some cig butts and push each other into the bushes.
That’s when moms famous beef stroganoff made its comeback … and it was coming with a vengeance.
I quickly clenched my cheeks, ran under the wooden park suspension bridge, dug a hole, and let loose. I filled that hole.
It didn’t bother me that the other kids or parents in the park saw me use my shower power to eliminate the pasta once devoured, but I definitely didn’t want someone to step in it.
So I called my brother for a handful of leaves and grass, wiped off the excess, and I buried it all like a cat.
I felt 100x better … so there was nothing left to do but go get me some more smoke butts.
* Editor's note: It is difficult to determine which is the dirtier habit: eliminating waste like a cat or smoking cigarettes. Although, both are fun.
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